The Marvelous Emotional and Physical Connection- I'm Challenged by the Tension Between my Heart and Brain
There seems to be a constant battle between what my heart and emotions desire and what my brain and body says are needed. I see it as a disconnection or short circuit (anorexia diagnosis) in my emotional and physical connection. I constantly willfully choose to ignore what my body wants or needs. It is eating disorder 101 and because I am so advanced in it, it still lingers even this far into recovery. I suppose all of us do this to some degree with something.
Yesterday, I posted a rather fun for me to write blog about my hip replacement. This one is more honest and vulnerable because there is more to the story than meets the eye and I have come to the point of wanting to share the difficult or dark-belly-of-the-fish stuff (you know the nasty part that is gross looking) for some unfathomable reason. It just might be to keep myself accountable, I am not sure.
In May 2017, after being sidelined from running for four
months after major ankle surgery I went all in on recovery and regaining fitness and that meant that my ED was in
high gear and in control. Given that
history, I am aware that once I can start high impact movement in hopefully nine weeks, I
need to be hyper-aware of going overboard. Even before that I need to be
careful. I already have made some stupid
choices, but I have managed to get back on the right path. Trusting your body and its cues is really
hard but it is the key to intuitive eating. I ended up passing out the day after surgery multiple times because I was ignoring cues to eat. I know, so stupid.
I need to get to the point. What exactly am I saying? It has been difficult to see my very changed body. Yes, I know it is due to surgery. I am afraid it isn’t temporary. I can tell myself over and over that seeing a swollen ankle is no different than seeing a giant swollen hip that moves into the higher obliques but somehow my mind has a hard time grasping that logic. It is hard listening to my body say “feed me more” when I am sitting around and sleeping even though I know it needs fuel to exist and to heal. This is the constant sort of battle that people with EDs experience (especially those in recovery).
It is hard to sit and be tired when I want to run. It is hard to write these things because I know in my head that for someone reading this who does not have an ED, this must sound ridiculous. All I can say is, it is not for you to judge and you will not understand but perhaps by reading it, you can better understand someone in your life who may have an ED or who likes to exercise excessively. I kept my mouth shut for years as I thought nobody would understand and that I was not sick anyway. I learned differently. Silence feeds the illness and that non-stop ED voice gets louder and more persistent until it is all we hear or listen to until there is no voice of reason anymore.
It is hard to be patient especially because it is scary and exciting to anticipate running with a new hip. My hip has not just caused hip pain over the years. It has contributed to back pain (which is better already). It has caused overuse issues with my IT band and other hip connective tissues. It has likely contributed to my SI joint disfunction. I am hoping all these things will be better but that remains to be seen. It is hard to trust myself with this new equipment and not abuse it.
As I write these things, I try to focus on the fact that food and rest are my training right now and I try hard not to focus on what it will all look or feel like after nine weeks. Trusting your body is hard. It is a key to healing. It is a key to eating disorder recovery/healing. My therapist keeps telling me, "your body will not ask for more than it needs, trust it". I try to listen to her voice and not that negative voice in my head that is not focused on what matters most.
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