The Time for Change is Now

Wow, talk about a respite....it has been nearly a year since my last blog post.  I decided it was time because I had so many thoughts swimming around in my head surrounding National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Recovery is such an enormous and monumental thing that one cannot help but be passionate about it.

Even though I have been weight restored for about two years now, I still battle the disorder but to a much lesser extent. As usual, I like to be active during NEDA week as I do feel very strongly about awareness as education is the key to early detection and prevention.  

So, here is a quick recap of where I am after starting recovery from Anorexia in February of 2019. 

• I just spoke about weight restoration...that took a long time, but I am at a healthy weight. I have gained over 30 pounds since 2019.
• I don't love the way I look but I don't hate myself (I did hate the way I looked a large part of my life).
• I know that my worth is not connected to the way I look or how I run or how active I am...but it is a battle. (I had subtle but constant messaging since I was very young that the way you looked was very important). 
• My brain is no longer highjacked by that voice of repetitive daily recounting of calories, food eaten, and exercise. This consumed my daily thoughts...no space for anything else.
• I don't get anxious thinking about when I will fit in my next exercise session...which is very freeing!!!
• I no longer track my calories and exercise on paper or in my head. 
• When I see a very thin or an extremely lean and strong woman, I feel sad for her rather than triggered.
• When I see old pictures of myself, I don't want to go back there.
• I don't wear a watch to track anything except the time of day. 
• I do not weigh myself regularly at all but when I decide to step on the scale, the number generally is meaningless to me.
• My enjoyment of life has exponentially increased.
• I enjoy seeing people and being social....no more self-isolation and dark pit of despair.
• I feel mentally stronger and more capable than I ever have.
• My hunger cues are back.
• I have so much more energy and feel like I can still give more at the end of most days.
• I still see a therapist once a week to work on it all and keep myself accountable.
• I still struggle to eat enough but my activity has drastically decreased due to physical limitations.
• I have three new orthopedic diagnoses in 2024: a torn meniscus with bone on bone arthritis in my medial side of my left knee, my right ankle despite surgery in July has worsened severely from the prior year, it is bone on bone with a torn tendon, and I have a slipped lumbar vertebra that causes pinching of my femoral nerve and burning down my left quad.
• My bone density has improved so the osteopenia is less severe.
• I still have a pericardial effusion.
• My GI system is healed.
• My cholesterol is even higher than in the past, and I had to go on medication this year. This is in my genes, but I mention it here because many people don't know that high cholesterol is very common in undernourished people.
• Despite these diagnoses and the fact that they were all made worse or created by prolonged malnourishment, I have accepted where I am in this season of recovery, never running again or doing much of anything high impact.

This is where I am. I accept it. I am grateful to be here even though there are more surgeries on the near horizon. Do I wish it were different? Sure, I do! Do I wish that I was able to cope with life in other ways? Yes, but I did not know how to cope so I know I cannot change that; the only thing I can do is move forward with gratitude that I was able to get out of that deep, dark, lonely abyss with the help of God, family, friends and my team which included several doctors, two DPTs, a RD and LPC. 

Not everyone is blessed with what I have. Eating disorder treatment is not accessible enough and is cost prohibitive for many. That is why I am grateful. I am grateful for the learning and growth that came with recovery. I learned how to live, and I lived through it too. Not everyone has that chance.

Here is the lesson for all, under fueling and/or malnourishment will catch up to you....it is just a matter of time.  It took years to catch up with me and slowly and then suddenly, my body said enough, I cannot hold you together anymore.  Abusing your body even unwillingly is costly and not worth any goal. So, even if you do not have an eating disorder but are an athlete under fueling, beware please.

If you think you might need help, talk to someone. You can recover and you are worthy of it, but you need to start.

Check out the NEDA screening tool.

Eating Disorder Screening Tool - NEDA