Wants, Needs, and Dreams
Sometimes needs/wants/dreams can change in unexpected ways,
or they can be the same and just perceived or understood differently. I was
thinking about how I am finally getting better at doing what I need vs what I
want.......for me having a disorder used to mean more exercise, less sleep, and
less food. Chaos reigned in my malnourished brain, and I acted only on what my
disorder wanted and not what I needed. I had a hard time praying and I felt
virtually nothing. In 2019, my anxiety was higher than ever, and I said to a
few people that if I were told I had a terminal illness, I would be okay with it.
I was ready to die, even though I had everything in my life to live for and I
knew it. I knew I was blessed to have all that I had.
Even so, in 2020, though I had started the path to recovery,
I knew that I had a secret weapon if life got intolerable here on earth…. what
is that weapon? Starving to death. It was what I had in my back pocket if I
could not take it anymore. I still could starve even though I was improving mentally
(mainly due to medication at that time).
I spent most every moment of my days in a mental war. And the
other insanity is that during my recovery, my dream goal went from a want to a
need by the time I put my feet on that start line in Hopkinton! After I gave
this last thought/statement more thought, I began to wonder if that goal,
dream, want, really was always a need the entire time and I just didn’t see it
that way. After I did some reading and
learning, I realized Boston had always been a need; it was never a want.
This thought led me to look up the definition of need and
then also to read about Maslow’s theory about motivation and needs. This theory
states that there are five levels or categories of human needs: physiological,
safety, love, esteem, and finally self-actualization. I learned from reading just
a bit on the hierarchy, and it is a hierarchy. The bottom most needs must be
met before moving up the hierarchy. We must satisfy our physical needs before
any higher needs can be met. (A question for another day might be, why do so
many people get stuck down there and only satisfy their physical needs?)
The first four levels are what Maslow calls deficiency needs;
the last one, self-actualization is a growth need. You only get to the growth
needs after you have satisfied all the others. Rather than regurgitate all the
science here, let me break it down for my own simple mind and also provide one more
definition. Self-actualization describes the fulfillment of your full potential
as a person. That is wild when you think about it because he is saying that you
are not going to reach your full potential until all those other most basic needs
are met. That hit me; food of course is at the very bottom.
Self-actualization is a human need, and it should be a hope
and dream for all of us…to reach our full potential or to be that best version of
ourselves as we like to say today. But, we cannot jump or just get there from
the bottom.
My life changed in recovery. My perspective changed every day,
every mile, every injury, every pound, every challenge, every loss; my life is
still a beautiful gift with dreams, wants and needs. They just might change or
look differently. Through recovery, I discovered me, and I wanted to be me, and
I wanted to be the best me. To get through it, I did all the head work and the
nourishment work.
I finally realized that running Boston really did have a higher
purpose. It was part of my self-actualization….and the recovery process and talking
about it is part of my self-actualization to. I want to help others. I need to help
others and it is part of my self-actualization as a human. It is a part of
being who God called me to be.
I often said that Boston was one of the main things
motivating me to eat. I wanted/needed to get there, and knew I had to eat to
get there. Boston and running helped me to recover which is a bit unconventional.
Thankfully, my team knew this.
Bringing a bit of science/psychology and faith together from
my mind is to say that self-actualization is becoming who God called you to be.
It is using your God-given charisms for the good of His kingdom. It is being on
top of that hierarchy and the only way to get there is a bit scientific, meaning
there is an explanation and order to it. Of course, there is!! God created us
so when we learn about science and ourselves, we are learning and knowing God.
It is like so many things. It is grace working with nature. It
is praying through recovery, but it is also “scientific.” In fact, to me when we
are learning about humanity, we are learning about God as He is the creator. I
am so grateful to now see things this way. After I finished Boston, I did not
feel joyful, elated, or accomplished. I felt relieved. I did not want to celebrate.
I wanted to eat in bed in my hotel room with my husband and son. I was satisfied
(but a little confused). I was ready to take on something more purposeful.
By the grace of God and my team, I am at the top of that hierarchy
working every day to stay there. Oh, and you have heard of self-care, one of
the latest “rages.” For some of us, that means more than care, it is self-preservation.
Once you reach that top of the hierarchy, there is still more to do for others
and I for one, do not want to fall into that miserable state of disorder again. I want to finish what has been started and thrive!
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