Positive Thoughts on Holidays, Food, Loss, and Regret

 

This blog has been simmering for a while.  My twisty thoughts have been taking longer than usual to unravel.  You might guess that by that mambo-sized title….how will I ever wrap all that into one blog and make it positive? I am not sure but I do know this, I always do my best to listen to my heart and do what my gut says because I hate regret and I try to avoid it at all costs….more on that later….I hope!  So, here goes! 

My last blog was pre-Boston, which is almost two months ago. I have packed lot of life into a few weeks......two birthdays, all of Thanksgiving and Christmas tradition. I have cared for and planned for it all and it has been wonderful.  I have either been in high gear getting things done or just the opposite, which is a completely unproductive and melted-mind state. By the way, unproductive is perfectly okay, healthy, and good to do, which is hard to see unless you have a healthy mental state.

Now that my busy personal time is reigned in and I just had my hip surgery, I am unwinding mentally while I recover.  Here we go with the real point...finally right?

The days leading up to my surgery were filled with Christmas tradition and Thanksgiving fun occurring mostly in the kitchen and those days brought up a lot thoughts of past holidays.

During all this holiday hub-bub of preparation, my Mom was on my heart in an all-encompassing way. I say she was on my heart as it was a subconscious presence. I found myself (acting like Suzy-homemaker) setting the perfect table, complete with tablecloth, china, pretty napkins, my Mom’s salt/pepper shakers and butter dish...I used a gravy boat and all. 

I took a lot more care than my usual half-hearted effort of "put the food on the table in the fastest possible manner".  Before I was even aware of it, she was on my heart. It hit me as I found myself practically measuring all the place-setting details. When I started doing that and getting out her things, I realized what was happening....we were together in spirit. 

I have so many memories with her focused on the everyday duties of taking care of a home and family and of creating the perfect holiday meal and atmosphere. When I do domestic-like things, I think about honoring her and her legacy of welcome and friendship but these things also make me feel close to her.  I miss her daily but I also love remembering, honoring, and emulating her amazing spirit. To me this is joy and peace flowing over and covering the feelings of loss. These actions keep her alive for me. God never fails and He has always fed us spiritually. So, back to food.

Food was a big deal in our family tradition…going back to recipes written phonetically by my Baba (Grandmother in Macedonian).  Her recipes have been rewritten and recreated by my Aunt and Mom (including amounts and in English).  I have learned how to bake the family white cookies, baklava, and egg bread.....there are so many that I may never get to make but I do have my Mom’s recipe box and I have memories of learning to cook and bake by her side. Some of the recipes I learned as a child and some just recently with her help.  It brought so much joy and pride when she would say, "the bread was delicious" or when I sent a picture and she said "it looks beautiful".

My bread and cookies are not the same as my mom’s or Baba’s.  However, the recipes and traditions have lived on and that is the most important thing.  They live on not just through memories but also through actions and through the food itself.

Saint Vera now has two miracles; I gained weight and now this one. I have always valued these recipes and tradition but many of you know my value placed on food….has been negligible.  My past view of food could be characterized as one of disdain and a bit of hate....which has deep-seated tangled roots and was a big part of my experience with Anorexia.

My heart has changed; I enjoy preparing food (and sometimes eating it), I see beauty and value in it, and enjoy feeling Mom’s spirit of love poured out in every action. She loved food and she loved making others happy in any way possible. 

Both of these miracles are part and parcel to eating disorder recovery. It is proof to me that loved ones can be in our lives after they pass. They do have presence and power.

And with that thought, I think this needs to be a two-parter. I might need to go and cry a tear of joy. More positivity coming on loss, recovery, and regret in Part II. Coming soon...along with a Hallmark movie reference.