Would You Rather?

 Would You Rather? 

This game was made for me, I love it!!…along with just asking random weird questions…like, I wonder why…? On this eve of running the Boston marathon, I was thinking about the last three years since I qualified.  It should have been about a year and a half between my qualifier and Boston but you know we had this pandemic thing.

When Boston 2020 was cancelled, about a month before the race, I felt I was ready. I had just run my first 20 miler of that cycle and I was feeling great. I had killed that run with the help of a friend.  It was my fastest 20-mile training run on record, I believe.  A few days later, the news came.  No Boston. So we waited and reset for fall 2020. I didn’t restart my cycle until about the latest time possible as I thought it was going to be cancelled again.  I had built up but not really in earnest because I was getting mentally worn down after the first reset already.  It was cancelled again in just a few days.  Then we waited even more.

During all this “waiting” for about a year and a half, I did some work; the work was on my head and eating disorder recovery and physical healing. It was not on running or training.  One thing that I had told myself is that I would not be able to forgive myself if I was unable to run Boston due to problems or a new injury related to my eating disorder. It was in my hands and mind to do something.  However, that is much easier said than done.  I had been working on recovery for a year when Boston was cancelled and yes, I had made progress but I was sitting at my lowest weight yet in March of 2020.

In addition, in March of 2020 I had been on medication for just about three months for depression and anxiety but I still had a long way to go.  I was still in the midst of quite a fog because my brain had not been nourished properly yet.  The medication helped me to want to work at recovery and live fully again but I had to eat properly and wait for real healing and literally rewiring to take place.

My anxiety and depression were still quite high in March of 2020; in fact, I am sure I would not have been able to handle the logistics of the Boston experience at that time.  I don’t think I would be enjoying it; I would be stressing about it all and wishing it was over which would be incredibly sad. Because of the fogginess of the eating disorder brain, I also would probably remember very little of it.

Today, I am forever grateful that I have a nourished brain (plus 10 more pounds on me) and a better-wired brain (less disordered thinking) thanks to: my team, food, therapy, medication and the grace of God.  Today, on the eve of Boston, I am calm and at peace (even though injured and I am not sure I will get to the finish).  I know I have fought the good fight against anorexia. I am happier and more content than ever, even though I will be running probably my slowest marathon on my personal record.  I am happy that I have a clear mind to truly appreciate and experience this amazing thing called the Boston Marathon (it is rather a historic one too).

Would I rather have raced in March of 2020 (at what I thought might be my running prime) or tomorrow? Tomorrow. Hands down. It will be slow but it will be an experience for a lifetime that I will remember forever. Many thanks again to God, and my entire team of health-care professionals, sports medicine doc, dietitian, PT, and eating disorder therapist. More gratitude to my running friends, priest, husband, kids, and family who have all been here for me in such an incredible way.  I am so blessed to do this and so grateful for recovery. My eating disorder did have a place in my life but it no longer is welcome.  I would rather live. I would rather run tomorrow. What would you rather do?