Embracing New Goals-Can we PR forever?

Whether we are hiking or driving, we know that there is a shorter and steeper way to a summit or a longer more gradual way up to the same summit. This is not a dissertation on geometry but a reflection on goals...for example if the summit is the goal, we all might have different paths to the summit and actually we may make the inevitable additional goals along the way.  On the journey, we may have to realign or change the goals...but always keep an eye on the summit.

Recently, I was having a hard time fully embracing my latest goals for my next marathon. I know full well what they are and what they should be.....I just don't especially like them but I want to love them. I am full of self-doubt about my fitness and afraid of what might happen to rain on my parade.

Underlying all of this self-doubt, fear and goal-waffling, is the eating disorder. It talks and says, "See, it is not a food problem. See, eating has not helped you, in fact you are running worse. See, your body/joints are not doing any better". Fortunately, I now know that anorexia is a liar. How and why do I know that? Because I am properly nourished, I can think clearly and block out that voice. I know that I am healthier but maybe lacking fitness and what I am doing today is good and what I did in the past with my eating disorder was not good.  (The fitness loss is due to many other factors that I can only think all work together).

Back to running goals. Many people have goals for other life passions so I hope this is relatable. I am having to readjust my goals and try to accept them but embrace them as good and worthy and I am beginning to think that is a life-lesson. 

To set the context of my predicament, look below to see my goals for my first marathon in 2013. By the way, running a marathon had never been a goal of mine until some friends recruited me. My goals for that race were clear and I embraced them and I was singularly focused on achieving them and the last concern of mine was time-related: 

1. Don't throw up 
2. Don't cry
3. Don't walk at all 
4. Don't soil myself 
5. Go better than 4:30 

I met all the goals and I loved it all...before and during the marathon.  After meeting those goals and running that first marathon, I could not wait to do it again although my body was constantly limiting me and throwing injuries at me.

In the years between 2013 and 2018 I ran three more marathons. My BQ came in race number four in November of 2018. The BQ was very big as it lead up to Boston being my swan song marathon due to a bum hip. It has been nearly three years and Boston will now be on October 11, assuming it is not cancelled again. Here is my goal and attitude problem. I had such excitement about that first marathon and then Boston too...but after three years, I don't feel the same about Boston now....there have been so many stops and starts, injuries, and personal heartache, I am afraid it won't happen.

I am having trouble with my goals because my training is going so poorly by time standards for me, I have an even more badly injured hip and I am afraid of not getting there. I am running slower than ever.....and it isn't just the weather. Do I know what it is? No, I do not. Does it bother me? Yes. It bothers me mostly because I thought I had more potential because for my 2018 marathon I was injured and malnourished. It bothers me because I feel like I am doing all I can and my body is failing me and getting slower and I don't want this to be my last PR. So what kind of goal do I have for Boston which I should be incredibly excited about?

Since 2018, my goal had always been to get to the start line and the finish line of Boston (since I have the bum hip I just wanted to preserve it until the race). I really want to enjoy the race and the next eight weeks but I want to also run well...meaning fast but not expect a PR.  I have reassessed and I need to let go of any time-related hopes or goals since I am currently struggling in my training. If I do not change my mindset, it will be miserable because everyday I will feel as though I am failing and that is not acceptable. So here is the lesson I am teaching myself:

Just because training is not going well does not mean that I cannot create better goals given where I am at and celebrate them and all that I have accomplished just to get to the start line. Every race is not going to be a time-based personal record. You can make your own personal records.

Underlying the start and finish goal are lots of little one's related to eating disorder recovery.  They have to be tackled everyday if I want to get to the start.  It is my belief that our goals become much more achievable and real if we break them down into small one's. Recovery has taught me that.  It is a process of countless steps and goals. I chose my recovery path and it was not straight up the mountain. It was the long way around the mountain in tiny steps but it is working for me. Having Boston on my schedule has helped me along eating disorder recovery as it is a huge motivator to eat.

A few weeks after Boston, my goal was going to be to PR the Indy marathon in November. However, if my training is not there, I will have to rethink that goal and likely not run that one as it may cause more harm and will not likely result in a time PR. Two marathons in three weeks could be a great goal though too:) Maybe that needs to be how I reassess? There is another challenge or goal, to get comfortable in all the unknowing.

I am trying to look at those goals and be happy about them. I am trying to get excited for the race but I am struggling there too. I am afraid to get excited because Boston could be cancelled, I could get sick, my hip might finish tearing.....I know this type of thinking and it is a tactic in the armory of self-preservation and now that I recognize it, I want to get rid of it.

Blocking out the doubts and just being happy and thankful that I am running is a forever goal. The bottom line is, I would give up all racing if I had to in order to ensure many years of future running. That means my current goals have to be in alignment with my overall long-term goal and priorities as well.

It is hard seeing reality and choosing proper goals at the proper time. No matter the goals, in the end I know that so many other things are so much more valuable and important.  This leads me to perspective. I think my perspective about going to Boston is so different than it once was which is a healthy thing.

Overcoming so many hurdles and trials in the last three years, I have a perspective that has lead me to train less and become more balanced mentally and physically.  Coming this far in anorexia recovery has been far more difficult than any race I have run and that is success. Maybe my new perspective has just saved me.

As Americans we are all too familiar, and maybe obsessed, with goal-setting. Why can't we just do things? I guess it is human nature for many of us to be into bettering ourselves and competing (even if it is just against ourselves) so we set goals. Why can't we just climb and get to the summit? Some people can do things without goals but I think when most people truly think about it, almost everything we do tends to have a goal orientation, especially if we are passionate about it.

We always should set goals that promote our own overall health and wellness and that are attainable and I also think they should create excitment and fun and not a feeling of failure along the way to them.  I am keeping an eye on the summit and embracing the terror and joy and desperately trying to be excited about just getting there and finishing it. 

I am going to Boston.

My goals are to get to the start and the finish and to know, feel, and believe that it is enough.