To Feel or Not to Feel, that is the Question?

 

It is heart month, do something good for your heart. Let it feel.

I don’t know about you, but music conjures up all sorts of feelings for me and it has since I can remember.  When I was a young teen, my bf and I had a few songs that we would intentionally listen to if we needed a good cry. I don’t recall talking about our feelings, but we simply just wanted to cry…. we have to let it out at times, don’t we?

My music choice usually reflects my mood. If I am all disordered and stoic, I would listen to music that got me motivated and out of a feeling place. My music choices would help me to block out the bad so to speak. I still have some songs like that, but rather than feeling like they help me to block out life, now I feel like they just remind me of a really tough time in my life and they help me to say yes, I relate to all that.

The other day, I was being pushed out of my comfort zone at work and I needed some music to soothe my spirit. I was not near Alexa, so I had to go with some YouTube selections…. I came across what I last listened to on my computer many months ago.  It flooded me with feelings and memories of the stinking hard days of early eating disorder recovery.  February is also my THR anniversary.  On February 21, I celebrated one year with my new hip.  It is going great, but my body and watch remind me each time I go out to “run” that I had seven months off.

Just one day after my hiperversay, I was at my sports medicine physician’s office getting results on my ankle MRI.

Good news, the arthritis is not terrible…. more than mild but not terrible. The bad news is that the two main ankle ligaments are shot (which was evident from instability but was good to find out).  The other bad news was that since I had a “tendon transfer” surgery to stabilize that ankle in 1987, that is not an option.  I meet with a surgeon in ten days to find out if ligament repair and tightening is possible. I also have a bone spur impinging and causing pain.  My pain is not just when I run. It happens with daily walking and hiking too. This has been an issue for several years, but it has worsened post hip surgery.

Typically, I would brush this all off and say, it could be so much worse, and I should not be sad or feel anything but gratitude for my overall health, body, and state in life.  And YES, all that is true and I am profoundly grateful for my blessings!  

However, I am going to feel it for a bit, whine about it here, and then move on.  I must yet again be cut open, wear a cast and then a boot, and take several weeks/months off from running.  I will have to rehab and get back my fitness again. And to top it all off, I will have to wear ugly shoes for five or six months which disrupts my entire being.

This will be my ninth ortho surgery since I was 16 (I am hypermobile which caused a history of traumatic injuries, and I am injury prone/clumsy). In addition, I have had back/neck nerve ablations. I am bummed. I had hoped to run a half marathon in May with my family in memory of my brother’s tenth anniversary of his passing.

Will I wallow, absolutely not.  BUT, if my surgeon has only bad news about surgery options, then I may wallow but not yet. I know I have a community of people who know what it is like to be sidelined. I empathize hard for injured runners. Runners have a hard time finding anything else that scratches that itch.

My relationship with running is like a covenant. I will not give up on it.  It means too much to me and my heart (figuratively and literally).  My feelings about this and also National Eating Disorder Awareness next week are looming heavy, and I am feeling it all…a bit of sadness all mixed with profound gratitude for my health care team, family, and friends. You can be happy and sad at once.

So yes, I have decided to feel it and put the emotional music on, even though it hurts and even though I feel like an ungrateful sap. I have spent so much of my life feeling heavy shit alone or suppressing any feeling and putting it away and Anorexia made that effortless. Of course, the stoicism that was supported by Anorexia suppressed any good feelings as well.

Feelings and emotions are a gift and often the more love we have, the deeper those feelings and maybe the more heartbreak we experience. We have one life; we are meant to love and feel fully. For some of us doing that well takes education as we may not have learned how to manage or cope with difficult feelings or grief. I am still learning about myself and this past week, I had a major revelation about my need for people. That will be another blog, this one is long enough.