Finding the New Normal

 

As I sit trying a new yogurt flavor, I was struck by a theme I keep thinking about….the new normal. Many people may be feeling a bit like this now that we are in a different phase of covidness. Life is different, right? But, my need for a new normal has nothing to do with Covid. I am eating a different yogurt in my newfound normalness, and it is very different. During my recovery, I used to eat an amazing Greek yogurt that was silky smooth and had more calories than many ice creams. So much has changed and normal is still rather  illusive. My Saturdays are no longer consumed with long runs and recovery. And I cannot bring myself to eat that other yogurt. Looking back, it all seems so long ago now……

In 2019 (that was almost three years ago for those of us all warped by Covid time), it was probably in September (six months before Boston) that my sports medicine doctor said, “you know after Boston, you will have to find a new normal”. I responded with a dejected but honest, “I know.” The new normal we were talking about involved a much lower amount of weekly running mileage and a higher weight. I don’t think either one of us knew what else it meant but it was a loaded statement and we both knew it, so a lot went unsaid…. plus, he had a needle in my hip, so it was not a lengthy conversation. I can tell you that that day, I knew I would remember that conversation for a very long time.

When he said that, we certainly did not anticipate the postponement of Boston April 2020 until October of 2021. I was thrilled after the first cancellation because in my mind, it put off the necessity of the looming and unknown “new normal.” By the time Boston did come, I was ready and anxious to “move on” and find this “new normal”, I was becoming very uncomfortable with the unknown new normal and was ready to find it.

Back on that day while my doctor talked about the new normal, I had no idea that within the next three years, both my children would be married or that both my parents would be deceased or that we would live through a pandemic or that I would break my shoulder or have hip surgery or that I would be a grandma or that rather than just gain weight, I had to recover from an Eating Disorder that was very stubborn. Despite not knowing what I was in for, I knew the gravity of that conversation.

Finding the new normal is different from recovery. Recovery is heavy and unique, so much so that it is

anything but normal. Many times, in life, people go through changes and must find a new state of being or normality, which is the ebb and flow of life. Not everybody has to go through a “recovery” process.

 Although I am well into recovery, I have not yet found and settled into the new normal. All those seasons of life poured into a few years made recovery and finding normalcy challenging. Eating disorder is not normal and neither is the recovery process. Recovery was all encompassing, painful, and time-consuming mental work….it is not normal routine life. In fact, many other things in life have to be put on hold.

What exactly am I trying to do by finding my new normal? It means finding new routines. Finding the new normal level of exercise, finding a new normal weight, and getting comfortable with it all is a part of the normalizing but there is more. Figuring out what to do with all the extra time available is a new thing…what extra time you may wonder? Well for one, the extra time not spent exercising. That alone has freed up lots of time. My eating disorder habits were food restriction and over exercising. My weekly exercise equated to a part time job. So once I gave that up…..time. Then there is all the free time because I am not daily logging my food intake or exercise activities…..I also spend less time at doctor’s offices.

The biggest adjustment to the norm is what people likely experience after retiring from work or a long period of competitive sport. Purpose. What do we do now? I no longer have a career, or I know longer do sport…so what do I do? My words would have been, “If I know longer obsess about running and movement, and I no longer take all my brain space up with numbers and eating disorder thoughts then what is my purpose? Who am I without this? I have been here so long.”

Lack of purpose is the first thing that came to my mind that day with my doctor, ”what will my purpose be?” I was so empty. I felt lost at that moment thinking about what my purpose would be if I were not running all the miles and doing all the work to be better at it (and mentally immersed in an eating disorder).

He opened doors and pulled me out of the dark. God provided the people and tools to recover and then I found happiness, purpose, and mission. No, my mission isn’t to find the best yogurt or to figure out what my sweet spot is for weekly running mileage or finding my ideal weight or finding the exercise balance that works for me. Those are pieces and adjustments that I am making in my new normal, but I found purpose again (after a decade of being pretty lost in that department) and that is the real gem and beautiful gift of “new normal”.

For all of you trying to find the normal in a new season of life, I am with you and God is with you and I hope you find purpose and peace. If you are in a tough season wondering if it will be like this forever, the answer is, everything here is temporary.  If you have not yet reached any different seasons, rest assured you will.  Each season is an opportunity for growth, especially the tough ones. Approaching them all with joy is key to getting through to the next with peace. Sitting in quiet and letting God's plan come to you is one of the biggest lessons I found in seeking my new normal.