The Story of Fat Fanny

 

MOMS AND DADS, YOUR CHILDREN ARE LISTENING AND TAKING IN YOUR WORDS AND ACTIONS 

I knew today was going to be a writing day but I prayed to God and said, “what shall I write about next?”  A few minutes later, I thought Fat Fanny.

I have wanted to talk about Fat Fanny for a while, but I was waiting. Waiting for the right time, waiting for God to say, “it is okay now. It is time.” I hesitated to tell the story because it is about my mom and I don't want us to be misunderstood. So, I must start by emphasizing that my mom was an amazingly humble, giving, loving woman but she had a terribly negative self-image that I was very aware of from a young age. Even though I am going to write a bit about that, when it comes to my history of eating disorder, I do not blame either of my parents, anyone, or anything. There are multiple factors at play with any eating disorder development. I would not have traded my parents for anyone, I was blessed beyond measure. I just have to say that because when telling the story, you may wonder as it all started so long ago.

Back to Fat Fanny, what is up with that? It is about finding Fat Fanny….something concrete.

I found Fat Fanny when I was cleaning out my mom’s apartment after spending her last days with her. I declined any offers of help; I cleaned out her place alone as I felt that I needed to do it in quiet and peace. It seemed so deeply personal to me as her apartment was all hers…no other people lived there with her. I also knew it would be incredibly hard and I wanted to feel it and not have to go about it stoically or on a timeline. I wanted to experience it. Naturally, it was a bit of a trip down memory lane and it seemed like a great privilege and honor.

When I was going through her nightstand drawer, I found it. The Fat Fanny booklet that my brother Jeff had given to her when he was just a little guy. Not only had I remembered it but I had recently told someone about it and here it was after probably 50 years. Jeff had given her this and she had hung onto it tightly, through a recent move just a year before and another big move five years before that. It was a humorous booklet given to her in love from her son and she treasured it.

When I saw Fat Fanny in her drawer, I caught my breath and was shocked, but it was just as I had remembered it and pictured it in my mind. I looked inside and saw my brother’s printing: Love, Jeff. My throat closed seeing his writing. I put it safely in a box with some of her other personal treasures

Why is this such a big deal to me, you ask? The big deal is that in 2019, when I was going through the process of figuring anorexia out, the onset, the mindset, the potential genetic and environmental factors, I spoke to my counselor about how focused my mom was on losing weight from the time I can remember. Mom spoke about her weight all the time and was overly critical of herself. I told counselor about how my mom had the Fat Fanny on her nightstand for years……little did I know that it had later gone into the drawer:) So, here it was appearing two years after I had talked about it.....that deeply ingrained memory now became a reality. 

After sorting Mom’s things, much of it came with me. I had saved boxes for my brother, aunt, and sister-in-law, charity, and other’s; Fat Fanny came with me.

My mom's diet talk was confusing to me when I was young, I thought my mom was beautiful and amazing and yet she seemed unhappy with herself (not her life). I used to watch in awe as she would get ready for big events with my dad…I would go in her closet sometimes and look at her long dresses. Those were the days of formal events and curled high hair. I looked up to her so much. I loved watching her get ready but then hated that she had to go out.

What I believe now is that what came to be formed in my brain was, “be really thin and you will be happy with yourself.” Mom never said anything to me about my weight and I tended to be thin anyway like my dad (except for a few years in college), but the brain was forming a pattern based off of what it heard. I felt that her desire for me was that I would not be like her (which is incredibly sad when I consider my mom). I would rather be like her than anyone else in the world..

Just this week (a year after her passing), I was going through some of the less important boxes and came across Fat Fanny again and snapped a picture. At the time, I still wasn’t sure what I would do with the picture. The booklet is like an artifact to me somehow and it is now in her cedar chest. All of this remembering is tough but enlightening.

If I go back to another earlier memory, after my dad’s funeral, Mom and I were alone in her apartment and she said, “your dad was so handsome, I still don’t know why he chose little old me”. I said to her “He chose you because you are beautiful and because you were meant to be together.” I will never forget that because it put more of the puzzle together for me and it also made my heartache for her. She always thought so much of him that she was always trying to measure up to him. It made me sad for Mom as she is an incredible human. So, to sound young……I know that I was absorbing that vibe too. I was always trying to measure up to them both and be perfect because I loved and admired them both so much and like Mom, I felt unworthy.

This is why I am so passionate about spreading eating disorder awareness....so much of it happens in silence.  

I am still working hard on all this. Even though, I am not in the depths of disorder now…I am awake and no longer numb but I still have so many disordered thoughts and still do not have a great relationship with food or myself, but it is a work in process. Every eating disorder experience is different and they are on a wide continuum. Some seem to come out of nowhere but likely they have been brewing and forming for a while.  Some of my neuro pathways have been re-scripted enough to allow some weight gain and rational thought but some of them are really old and stubborn as I am sure my dear Mom's were as well.  There is a lot that is scripted for us but we have the power to rewrite it.

This is in loving memory of my beautiful mom, dad, and brother. Jeff. I love and miss you all.