Be You

WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOUR LIFE?

Be you, but you may ask, “well, how do I find me?”  Some of us find out early, some of us find out later.  I also firmly believe that we have never arrived when it comes to knowing ourselves. It is an evolution, am I right?   I just recently discovered that I am a cat person. Not exactly what I am getting at but it is something that I just realized in let's just say well-past my wonder years. When I was a young kid I had a progression of career desires….not that career defines who we are but it is maybe our earliest definition of ourselves and I for one, put a lot of value in it.  I wanted to be a stewardess or waitress at first….sorry if those terms are “wrong” but they were the terms used in my childhood.  Then when I was older, I wanted to be a teacher.  A good friend of mine (we were in about the 4^th grade) and I would pretend to have classrooms. In my room, Greg was always getting in trouble, and he usually had to sit next to me (he was really a classmate of mine who I had a crush on). 

The career progression changed of course since 4^th grade and I become a CPA. The accounting path just sort of fit and it was a good route to getting a job and getting into “business”. Even though I was gainfully employed right out of school and moved to Chicago for my first “real” job, it was not what I would call fulfilling. In fact, I had three different employers in four years. Then I had babies and stayed home.

I have now been employed for 20 years by the Catholic Church in an accounting capacity and also software support. We are not defined by our jobs or roles are we?  I have grown through all of these positions, and I did find stability and my place and livelihood, but I did not find me. Does my employer make me who I am today? Of course not, the work has not even shaped me that much.  God, my family & friends, education, husband, have all shaped me but only I can find me and know if I indeed am doing as St. Catherine of Siena has said, “Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire”.

I was in a workshop and retreat this past weekend and it made me really focus on the gift of writing. Writing sets me on fire. Writing for me is prayer, healing, revealing, energizing, and filled with joy and satisfaction. When I write, I completely lose track of time and get lost in the process. I look at it as always a process and I try to wait for the inspiration and message that God wishes to convey through me. It is not forced, it is felt.

I have been actively writing now since 2018. I started intentionally writing when going through eating disorder recovery.  It was a catalyst and still is for me to discover myself.  It clears my heart, mind and soul. The recovery process has led to physical healing for sure as ED’s have physical ramifications even though they are mental illnesses, but I have truly found myself in the process.

The recovery process revealed a different me. When I look back at the years when I was stuck in the dark cave of ED, it seems like another life to me.  It is hard for me to even go back and imagine how I felt then but through the recovery process, I wrote and wrote. So, if I ever need to, I can go back and look. It is heartbreak, misery, emptiness, despair, utterly numb.  It is quite like being a zombie…walking dead.  A body with little left inside. It is like the soul is covered by layers and layers of impermeable walls that keep it hidden and out of reach.

I am pretty sure that all recovery processes have some of these dreadful and beautiful juxtapositions. But this is how I would describe recovery. Recovery has been so transformative for me that even early in the process, before I even wanted to heal myself, I knew I wanted to help others when I was healed. 

ED recovery is long, slow, incredibly painful, complex, multi-faceted, arduous, lonely, blank, blank, blank (pick three expletives) hard, painstaking, tear-filled, barrier-breaking, wall-falling. It gets harder before it gets better. It can be ugly and beautiful at once. It is paradox. It is impossible without God.

Recovery is beautiful, revealing, God-centered, transcendental, rewarding and totally worth the pain. It is finding myself. It can be finding you. It can be the hardest and yet best thing you can ever do and it can and should be used for greater good. I had so many recovery moments with God present in such a tangible and obvious way that I could no longer deny the truth. God was with me while I was in disorder, he gave my doctor the courage to help, and he worked through others and me to see the way to recovery and I found the real me. What did I uncover? I found out that trying to be perfect is futile. I am less afraid to speak up or show my feelings (sometimes). I am able to set boundaries to protect my mental health. I want to be with people and enjoy my friendships. I found answers. I was ill but I am getting better. I am not defined by that illness but recovery has shaped me. I feel like a different person in a different time. There are still life challenges but I know myself and I can handle the challenges with the help of God. Hopefully, I am a better person to be around. I found purpose and I am confident in that. I am free to be me. Go find yourself, I promise you are more than you think.

Be you. Not them.